Eight years ago, I was writing euphoric thoughts and feelings about finally finding the right one -- the man I was destined to be with for the rest of my life. The man who would complete me.
Three months ago, he suddenly passed away.
We've been married for six years and as a young couple, we were working our way to living our dreams.
Now, everything is shattered and life suddenly lost its meaning.
I'm back to being single and alone, grieving and waking up each day, out of breath from the most excruciating pain of all.
This is perhaps the lowest, darkest, most dismal point of my entire existence.
Each day that passes is one more day away from him, from our marriage and from all the wonderful memories.
I'm not ready yet.
I'm not ready to face a new chapter without him. Everything is changing and nature is taking its course.
I'm left to choose between sinking or swimming against the tide. It's either I swim towards the surface or sink completely and allow myself to be swallowed whole by the void.
As Sheryl Sandberg wrote on her Facebook post:
"I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well."
I feel that emptiness everyday and nothing much has changed. The passing of time only magnifies grief even more, knowing that I am cursed to live the rest of my days without him.
Does the passing of time even matter?
How does one survive inescapable pain?
How does one override sorrow with wonderful memories?
Grief and remembrance are inseparable
Healing only begins when the nuances become blurry.
I am not ready to forget every memory, every detail -- even if the pain kills me.
But no matter how much I weep and wail and grieve, there is no bringing him back.
I am living a nightmare every single day and I'm wide awake.
